Get a flat stomach in 3 days with these simple tips!!!

I'm not good at resisting temptation. By this I mean I don't resist temptation. I'm the archetypal western-based consumer who knows he can have whatever the hell he wants because I'm a god damned adult, okay? But right now, through a combination of quarter-life crisis (yeah - I'm going to live until 120 - who's counting?) and the grudging realisation that yes, my waistline is following a frighteningly outward-based trajectory, I'm currently making serious attempts at addressing my fondness for rubbish.

Luckily, because I love eating, I forced myself to get half-way decent and sort of adventurous in the kitchen. 'Sort of'', because I can be conservative and picky when it comes to trying anything new and when I find something I like i'm pretty loathe to change it. But with my aforementioned mortality and looming rotundness I've been open to exploring a lot of different things. What I've found is that, with a little imagination (not to mention a lot of googling) it can be possible to trick your brain into thinking it's getting a hefty dose of comforting greasiness when in fact you're starving it of same and sneaking in a bit of health to boot.

What I'm leading up to here is the realisation that it is possible to enjoy some of your, ahem, less paleo-friendly, Atkins-standard favourites in a way that won't ruin everything. And here's an example; tonight's dinner was home made nachos with refried beans, salsa and guacamole. The trick here is that you're not coming home from Tesco with jars of luminous green guacamole, implausibly crimson salsa or, worst of all, a giant bag of tortilla chips. Bannt! Instead, you're making it all from scratch. This results in a dinner consisting of what is essentially baked sheets of corn, two types of salad and a lump of beans. Not bad, eh?

Salsa

The salsa was previously outlined in this post, so presumably you're already heavily addicted to it and are possibly even eating it right now. If not, then it's important you start a course immediately. I would recommend this salsa is eaten at least three times weekly for optimum health. It has been known to cure cancer, herpes and can endow the imbiber with mighty, jalapeño-infused physical strength.

Guacamole

Next up is our guacamole. There are thousands of recipes for the green stuff floating about. Like salsa, it falls under the category of 'food easy to make but difficult to get perfect'. It depends on your taste and what you've got available, but here's my recipe for a really nice smoky guacamole. Though feel free to use your own lame, inferior recipe if you so desire.

• 2 ripe avocados (it's a good idea to give them an old squeeze before buying them to ensure they're soft enough. Hard avocados are useless)
• Half a medium tomato, finely chopped
• 1tbsp red onion, finely chopped
• 1tbsp coriander leaves, chopped
• 1-2 cloves of garlic, crushed
• 2-3 drops liquid smoke (this can be irritating to source outside of the US, but can be found in places like Morton's in Ranelagh or Fallon & Byrne if you're based in Dublin, Ireland. If not, then I dunno)
• A few drops of Tabasco, preferably the chipotle kind if you can find it
• A few slices of jalapenos, chopped (optional)
• Half a tsp salt or to taste, and some black pepper

Cut the avocados in half half and, using a spoon, scoop out the fruit from the skin and put it in a large bowl. Add the lime juice at this point to aid with the mashing process. I would normally use a potato masher, but if you haven't got one a fork will do as long as the avocados are soft enough. If you've ended up with hard avocados, you might need to put them into a food processor to get them nice and finely chopped. Some people like their guacamole to be mega-chunky, but I'm not one of them. 

Once the avocados are  mashed, fold in the tomato and red onion. Then add the rest of the ingredients and give it a good stir. Refrigerate for a while before consuming. The liquid smoke is of course optional, and if you'd like your guacamole to give everything more of a kick you can add some chopped red chillies if you have them to hand. 

Refried Beans

Remember how I said this meal would be made completely from scratch? I lied. Yeah yeah, so you'll need a can of refried beans for this part, but come on - there's not a whole lot of badness within that can, but lots of delicious potential. They can be very easily heated up in a pan. Here's what you'll need:

• Can of refried beans (Old El Paso are fine, but I prefer the Discovery brand as they add in chipotle peppers)
• 1 onion
• 2 cloves of garlic
• A pinch of Paprika, cumin powder, chilli powder, cayenne pepper
• Salt, to taste
• Cheddar cheese, if you must

Firstly, sauté some onions and garlic, add your beans, then some spices - a pinch of cayenne pepper, paprika  cumin, chilli powder and some salt ought to do the trick here. Now, if being super virtuous and saintly then that's that with the beans. But, if you've had a shitty day at work and need something a little more comforting, then add some cheese to the refried beans - while it's still in the pan so it goes all melty and amazing. Or not. 

Tortilla Chips

This is pretty simple; just some corn tortillas (like the ones that comes in those godawful Old El Paso Mexican enchilada 'kits'), a bit of oil and some salt. It's important to get corn and not wheat tortillas to get an actual tortilla chip taste from them. Plus, corn isn't quite as bad as wheat, because every time you eat bread god apparently murders a donkey and makes your stomach puff up like a basketball. Anyway, for home made tortilla chips you're going to need the following:

• One packet of corn tortillas
• Oil for brushing - a neutral oil such as Rapeseed is best here as it won't leave a strong taste, unlike olive oil
• Salt
• Paprika

First off, preheat your oven to about 180° Celsius.  Starting with one tortilla, brush the surface of it lightly with oil. Not so much that it's soggy, but do make sure it's evenly covered. Repeat with each tortilla, stacking them on top of each other on a flat surface such as a cutting board. When they're all brushed, get a large knife and cut through the pile until you have a bunch of stacks of little triangles. 

Next, arrange them onto a large tray lined with some baking paper. Ensure there's as little overlapping as possible or they won't bake evenly. Sprinkle them with salt and paprika ensuring you get a bit on all of them. Bake for approximately 8 minutes, or more if required. For maximum crispy goodness they should be a bit browned around the edges. 

Once these are done, you're good to go. Arrange the whole lot in whatever way you see fit - with a giant bowl of 'em alongside a sort of mound of everything mashed up on top of each other, for example. Or, you could spread some of the beans onto each chip, sprinkle on some cheese and pop them back into the oven. If you're feeling brave, fire on yet more jalapeños as a garnish, although there's already lots in the salsa so there should be sufficient heat in there to satisfy even the most reptilian of tongues. 

If you have followed these steps correctly, within 3 days you will wake up with a superhero-esque 6-pack adorning your newly beautified frame. If not, then you have clearly gone wrong somewhere and should keep eating nachos until your body has reached Arnie-level proportions. Trust me - I'm an expert.