I have the willpower of Charlie Sheen

So, two weeks into my new fitness and diet regime! And... I havent lost anything. Not even an inch. Not a peep. I went from a diet of bubbly wine and cheese to a diet of quinoa and kale, and I'm exercising at least 1 hour a day. And I havent lost a jot. I'm feeling demoralised and annoyed and impatient and lazy.
I'm also hormonal and desperately trying not to make a cheese and cake sandwich and roll around on the floor with it.

I could really go for one of these right now

So in an effort not to become trapped in a shame cycle of demoralisation and despair which will inevitably lead to a cheese coma, tonight I'm visiting my personal trainer. Yes I have a personal trainer. AND ITS CHRIS ROWAN. He's the most muscley man I've ever seen in real life. In fact, he's more like a drawing of a man than a real man. If aliens landed, he's the one they would want to clone. And he's a drag queen. And his house is FULL of muppets. MUPPETS. A creature of such physical perfection can only be a really good person to listen to when it comes to getting in shape and sorting my life out.

Aside from all these amazing things about Chris, I need a personal trainer. This is because I am a horsefly presented with a delectable fresh turd when it comes to my couch. Sure, I'll cycle everywhere and walk the dogs and exercise I have to do in order to get from (a) to (b). HOWEVER. I am allergic to voluntary exercise at the moment. I just find it so hard to motivate myself to do.

I dont know why. It makes me feel great. It makes me skinny. I actually like it when I'm doing it. But for some reason, there is a goblin who lives in my brain, who consistently recommends that I do not do it, and its voice is much louder than mine.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!?

So I'm desperately trying to override this absolute laziness and call it out for what it is. And I'm starting an internal battle against the evil goblin. I'm going to punch his lights out.
And my fabulous personal trainer Chris is going to help me. Have I mentioned my trainer is a-fucking-mazing? I think I have. I love him and love hanging out with him, which makes going to exercise so much easier. Plus I'm a people pleaser so being held accountable is something I really need when it comes to shit I dont want to do. Plus he makes us do kickboxing to Donna Summer and Diana Ross.

Here's his website. http://www.hutchfitness.ie/
Go see him. If he makes me into half the chiselled perfection-specimen that he is, I'll literally be the happiest person on the planet. And maybe a little less lazy.

Get a flat stomach in 3 days with these simple tips!!!

I'm not good at resisting temptation. By this I mean I don't resist temptation. I'm the archetypal western-based consumer who knows he can have whatever the hell he wants because I'm a god damned adult, okay? But right now, through a combination of quarter-life crisis (yeah - I'm going to live until 120 - who's counting?) and the grudging realisation that yes, my waistline is following a frighteningly outward-based trajectory, I'm currently making serious attempts at addressing my fondness for rubbish.

Luckily, because I love eating, I forced myself to get half-way decent and sort of adventurous in the kitchen. 'Sort of'', because I can be conservative and picky when it comes to trying anything new and when I find something I like i'm pretty loathe to change it. But with my aforementioned mortality and looming rotundness I've been open to exploring a lot of different things. What I've found is that, with a little imagination (not to mention a lot of googling) it can be possible to trick your brain into thinking it's getting a hefty dose of comforting greasiness when in fact you're starving it of same and sneaking in a bit of health to boot.

What I'm leading up to here is the realisation that it is possible to enjoy some of your, ahem, less paleo-friendly, Atkins-standard favourites in a way that won't ruin everything. And here's an example; tonight's dinner was home made nachos with refried beans, salsa and guacamole. The trick here is that you're not coming home from Tesco with jars of luminous green guacamole, implausibly crimson salsa or, worst of all, a giant bag of tortilla chips. Bannt! Instead, you're making it all from scratch. This results in a dinner consisting of what is essentially baked sheets of corn, two types of salad and a lump of beans. Not bad, eh?

Salsa

The salsa was previously outlined in this post, so presumably you're already heavily addicted to it and are possibly even eating it right now. If not, then it's important you start a course immediately. I would recommend this salsa is eaten at least three times weekly for optimum health. It has been known to cure cancer, herpes and can endow the imbiber with mighty, jalapeño-infused physical strength.

Guacamole

Next up is our guacamole. There are thousands of recipes for the green stuff floating about. Like salsa, it falls under the category of 'food easy to make but difficult to get perfect'. It depends on your taste and what you've got available, but here's my recipe for a really nice smoky guacamole. Though feel free to use your own lame, inferior recipe if you so desire.

• 2 ripe avocados (it's a good idea to give them an old squeeze before buying them to ensure they're soft enough. Hard avocados are useless)
• Half a medium tomato, finely chopped
• 1tbsp red onion, finely chopped
• 1tbsp coriander leaves, chopped
• 1-2 cloves of garlic, crushed
• 2-3 drops liquid smoke (this can be irritating to source outside of the US, but can be found in places like Morton's in Ranelagh or Fallon & Byrne if you're based in Dublin, Ireland. If not, then I dunno)
• A few drops of Tabasco, preferably the chipotle kind if you can find it
• A few slices of jalapenos, chopped (optional)
• Half a tsp salt or to taste, and some black pepper

Cut the avocados in half half and, using a spoon, scoop out the fruit from the skin and put it in a large bowl. Add the lime juice at this point to aid with the mashing process. I would normally use a potato masher, but if you haven't got one a fork will do as long as the avocados are soft enough. If you've ended up with hard avocados, you might need to put them into a food processor to get them nice and finely chopped. Some people like their guacamole to be mega-chunky, but I'm not one of them. 

Once the avocados are  mashed, fold in the tomato and red onion. Then add the rest of the ingredients and give it a good stir. Refrigerate for a while before consuming. The liquid smoke is of course optional, and if you'd like your guacamole to give everything more of a kick you can add some chopped red chillies if you have them to hand. 

Refried Beans

Remember how I said this meal would be made completely from scratch? I lied. Yeah yeah, so you'll need a can of refried beans for this part, but come on - there's not a whole lot of badness within that can, but lots of delicious potential. They can be very easily heated up in a pan. Here's what you'll need:

• Can of refried beans (Old El Paso are fine, but I prefer the Discovery brand as they add in chipotle peppers)
• 1 onion
• 2 cloves of garlic
• A pinch of Paprika, cumin powder, chilli powder, cayenne pepper
• Salt, to taste
• Cheddar cheese, if you must

Firstly, sauté some onions and garlic, add your beans, then some spices - a pinch of cayenne pepper, paprika  cumin, chilli powder and some salt ought to do the trick here. Now, if being super virtuous and saintly then that's that with the beans. But, if you've had a shitty day at work and need something a little more comforting, then add some cheese to the refried beans - while it's still in the pan so it goes all melty and amazing. Or not. 

Tortilla Chips

This is pretty simple; just some corn tortillas (like the ones that comes in those godawful Old El Paso Mexican enchilada 'kits'), a bit of oil and some salt. It's important to get corn and not wheat tortillas to get an actual tortilla chip taste from them. Plus, corn isn't quite as bad as wheat, because every time you eat bread god apparently murders a donkey and makes your stomach puff up like a basketball. Anyway, for home made tortilla chips you're going to need the following:

• One packet of corn tortillas
• Oil for brushing - a neutral oil such as Rapeseed is best here as it won't leave a strong taste, unlike olive oil
• Salt
• Paprika

First off, preheat your oven to about 180° Celsius.  Starting with one tortilla, brush the surface of it lightly with oil. Not so much that it's soggy, but do make sure it's evenly covered. Repeat with each tortilla, stacking them on top of each other on a flat surface such as a cutting board. When they're all brushed, get a large knife and cut through the pile until you have a bunch of stacks of little triangles. 

Next, arrange them onto a large tray lined with some baking paper. Ensure there's as little overlapping as possible or they won't bake evenly. Sprinkle them with salt and paprika ensuring you get a bit on all of them. Bake for approximately 8 minutes, or more if required. For maximum crispy goodness they should be a bit browned around the edges. 

Once these are done, you're good to go. Arrange the whole lot in whatever way you see fit - with a giant bowl of 'em alongside a sort of mound of everything mashed up on top of each other, for example. Or, you could spread some of the beans onto each chip, sprinkle on some cheese and pop them back into the oven. If you're feeling brave, fire on yet more jalapeños as a garnish, although there's already lots in the salsa so there should be sufficient heat in there to satisfy even the most reptilian of tongues. 

If you have followed these steps correctly, within 3 days you will wake up with a superhero-esque 6-pack adorning your newly beautified frame. If not, then you have clearly gone wrong somewhere and should keep eating nachos until your body has reached Arnie-level proportions. Trust me - I'm an expert.

The crazy-tiny-amount-of-calories lunch option you will never get sick of which costs basically no money

I remember when lunch used to consist of a sandwich and a bag of crisps. I used to be able to eat a big dirty cheese sandwich every single day when I was in college, and I was tiny. Ah well, such is the passing of time. My lunch options have diminished since the humble sandwich is no longer an option, and I've been on the quest for the perfect, healthy, low calorie lunch for a long time. 

One of my favourite food bloggers and very good friend Seaneen (of the beautifully written food blog 9 Bean Row) wrote this blog a while ago about one of my favourite fairytales, Stone Soup. I'm sure she wont mind me quoting her directly:

"The story goes that many years ago a soldier, hungry and weary from battle, came upon a small village. The villagers, suffering a meagre harvest and the many years of war, quickly hid what little they had to eat and met him at the village square, wringing their hands and bemoaning the lack of anything to eat. He thought for a moment and said to the villagers: "Your tired fields have left you nothing to share, so I will share what little I have: the secret of how to make soup from a stone."

The story continues that a fire was soon put to a large pot in the town square as the soldier took out a velvet sack from which he took a smooth river stone and dropped it in the pot. "Now this will be a fine soup", he cried, rubbing his hands in anticipation, "but a pinch of salt and some parsley would make it wonderful!" Up jumped a villager, crying "What luck! I've just remembered where some has been left!" And off she ran, returning with an apronful of parsley and a turnip. As the pot boiled on, the memory of the village improved: soon barley, onions, carrots and beef had found their way into the great pot.

The soldier and the villagers shared the finest meal that any of them had eaten in months, and in the morning the village elder offered to buy the magical stone from the soldier. The soldier refused. As he left, the stranger came upon a group of village children standing near the road. He gave the velvet bag containing the stone to the youngest child, and confided that it was not the stone, but the villagers that had performed the magic." "There is no secret, but this is certain: it is only by sharing that we may make a feast". And off the soldier wandered, down the road."

This fable is such a beautiful story of sharing, and coming together, and the communal nature of food. And soup is one of those foods that evokes nostalgia, comforting 'hug in a bowl' feelings. There is nothing nicer than a big bowl of chunky vegetable soup on a freezing, rainy, miserable day. There is nothing like soup to bring together cheap, leftover ingredients (your potatoes and veg after a Sunday roast, or veg that is about to turn) and making an incredibly nutritious, healthy and low calorie meal. My favourite sort of soup is one that lets the vegetables sing, their delicate flavours warming through the spike of chili and cayenne pepper, or the pungency of garlic. ALSO - and here's the best bit. This soup is a magical calorie-hiding food. You can literally consume vast baths of this stuff. There is a miniscule amount of calories in this soup if made by the basic recipe below. AND - you can sneak in loads of healthy stuff like protein powder, seeds, etc and you wont even taste them. This soup has under 100 calories per serving. You will not be hungry after it. HONESTLY.
 

I make a variation of this soup once a week and bring it in for lunch most days. Before Christmas when I wasnt watching what I was eating, I would make croutons with crusty bread that is a day or two old, a few glugs of olive oil, garlic, fresh chili and mixed herbs of your choice whacked in a roasting tin and baked for 20-30 mins. These are to die for. If you thicken it with starchy veg (potato or sweet potato) the calorie count goes up to about 200 calories, but its still really healthy so dont worry too much about counting calories when youre consuming veggies.

The soup doesnt miss the croutons or starchy veg though - theyre a lovely indulgence but not necessary. I vary the vegetables and seasonings, but overall the recipe remains the same. I'll include a few options extras at the end so you can see ways in which you can modify a basic soup recipe if you get bored.

Vegetable and lentil soup
2 leeks
2 carrots

2 onions

1 bunch kale

2 celery sticks

5-6 cloves of garlic

1 thumb sized piece of ginger

1 x red chili

approx 100g lentils

Fresh or dried parsley

Mixed herbs (approx 1 tbsp)

2 x stock cubes/tbsp of bullion

1 x bay leaf (optional)

1 - 2 tbsp turmeric (optional) - if you dont have turmeric use paprika (this is for colour)

1 -2 tbsp cayenne pepper (optional)
Juice of 1 x lemon

Other additional/optional extras

2 x potatoes

100g natural yoghurt

Sweet potato

Tomatoes (1 x tin)

Chick peas instead of lentils

1 x tbsp Worcester sauce

Toppings - any of the below/combination of the below
Croutons (as above)
1 x tbsp natural yoghurt
Fresh flat leaf parsley/coriander (chopped finely)
Salsa (as per this recipe)

You can mix up the veg if you like too, but this is the recipe I generally stick to because its all veg that I like. Fire everything into a pot with enough boiling water to cover the vegetables and then about an inch more (depending on the size of the pot), cover with a lid and cook for 35-45 mins on a simmer. When its done, you can blend it if you like blended soup. Personally, I like to pulse a few times, it so its not completely smooth.

This will keep in the fridge for 1 week approx and will be enough for about 6 lunches.

Fat is a Ninja. Also Green Drink: Salad for breakfast - yes you read that correctly

In 2008 I was fat. I decided I needed to do something about it when I had 3 sizes of clothes in my wardrobe, none of which fit me. I had a defining moment when I was running a bath, and the bathroom we had in our house had a full length mirror. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and looked - actually looked - and had a bit of a moment. I was shocked. I lost the weight then and felt much better - kept it off - for a long time. Until this year.

Because fat creeps up on you. Fat is a ninja. Your brain will tell you all kinds of stories so you dont think youre as bad as you know you are. For example, you just 'wont wear' a certain pair of jeans. On a subconcious level, you know its because you wont fit into them. But your brain chooses not to try them on, not to 'feel like' wearing them. You just never select them from your wardrobe when youre getting ready in the morning. And one day, usually out of the blue, you'll have a moment where you realise youre fat. Then some time will pass, and you'll think you want to do something about it. But you dont. And then you'll have another moment where you see a photo and have a cry, desperately untagging yourself and you'll feel miserable for a day. Then you'll have a pizza for dinner because you want to cheer yourself up and then, in post-pizza sweats and guilts, you'll crawl inside the dominoz box and cry tears of garlic and herb dip. And on and on the cycle of denial and realisation and shame and self-flagellation goes. But for me, there is always one moment that comes where you make a decision to change things, because your very happiness depends on it.

I love clothes. And for me, this time around the delightful fat block, the latest "moment of realisation" happened when I realised I could not fit into any of my clothes on holiday. When I couldnt wear a swimsuit or even a vest top, and spent the entire time in a sloppy tshirt and leggings, watching other girls topless sunbathing by the pool and having a dip and wanting to punch them in the skinny face... [Wait, did THEY force me to eat the second block of cheese?] I sat there like a potato realising I had to change. I put on weight very very easily in general, same as a lot of women in my family, and I have to really watch what I put into my body. And I'd basically been sitting on my arse all year because of my leg, then living on cheese and bread and wine over Christmas... and holy shit was it showing. It was a cumulative weight gain which began when I tore my achilles in the summer and gradually got worse and worse until I was now resembling this guy:

So since I've come back from my holidays, and started this blog, and decided to finally "do something about it". Back in 2008 when I lost weight the first time, I discovered the joys of green drinks. These helped me fly back into a much smaller size last time I was heavier. So I've returned to my love of the green drink for breakfast, which Ive been having sporadically every since 2008. Green drinks have a million benefits, not least of all giving you your entire 5-a-day in one go, boundless energy (like, double espresso levels of enegry) and are incredibly hydrating. Theyre packed with nutrients, and a quick google of 'green drink' will bring you on a very weird rabbit hole journey into strange parts of the internet where people become evangelical about kale. Dont get sucked into this hole. It is awash with body shaming and terrifying raw food faddist and fruitarian propaganda. Seriously, these pages should come with ED trigger warnings, they are NOT healthy. If these people were not consuming their own body weight in kale, they would be on crack.

To make a green drink you will need one of the following:
- a juicer
- a high speed powerful blender (preferable, but super expensive)
Last Christmas my mum. brother and other half all pitched in to get me a Vitamix blender. I use this blender every single day, often twice or three times a day, and I'm in love with it. Its not cheap but its an incredible investment and a kitchen essential for me.

Making green drink in a Vitamix takes about 3 mins. You dont peel anything. You dont chop anything. You fire whole vegetables and fruits and a drop of water into the blender, a few ice cubes, and after 30 seconds on high speed, have a perfectly smooth drink (with no bits).
You can put anything in a green drink, but there is a general formula for mine:
- fruits x 2
- citrus (lemon or lime) juice x 1
- Greens
- Supplement
Todays green drink had these ingredients:  2 apples, a banana, a lemon, a carrot and a large bunch of kale, I usually have more but I'm broke at the moment! WHEN WILL JANUARY END OH GOD.

If youre using a juicer, you will have to chop these up. Leave the skins on though. Kale is absolutely amazing, dont scrimp on it. Celery is a lovely addition or alternative, as is ginger, spinach, pear and cucumber.

I also added a teaspoon of these:

Chai seeds are incredible - packed with calcium, manganese, and phosphorus, and a great source of healthy omega-3 fats. Hemp seeds are full of protien (so important because I'm vegetarian) and full of omega 3s too. These baby will also keep you full - theyre digested slowly and help regulate spikes in your blood sugar.

That's it - whizz all these together and enjoy. 

Delicious green monster drink

I know youre probably thinking that this looks absolutely disgusting. But honestly, the greens DO NOT TASTE LIKE ASS. All you can taste is the fruit. You get used to the taste of the greens eventually so you can increase your dose. But honestly, this is a pharmacy in a glass. Ive been much healthier every time Ive had these for breakfast. If you have a cold it will be gone in half the time. And even my very picky and afraid of change other half loves these. And when I met him, he wouldnt make eye contact with a salad. Oh, and Dita Von Tease has one of these bad boys every day. And eh... who is going to argue with her?

Lord send me this lady!

Simple Sunday lunch

I'm just back from a few days down in Cavan where yesterday was my Grandmothers funeral. We gave her a beautiful send off. I'm completely emotionally drained and needed to eat simple food that is filling and easy. These are the times when youre completely exhausted when its so easy just to reach for something that's unhealthy or for the take-away menu. I'm trying to make sure I don't do that, so I've been keeping food in the house that is easy to reach for on these times when you're completely and utterly not arsed to think about what youre going to eat. 

For lunch, I made hummus and oat cakes. This is a serious go-to lunch for me and is so utterly simple. Oat cakes are an amazing base for any lunch. Theyre a great alternative to bread, pittas and other wheat-based lunches. Theyre pretty much gluten free (if youre gluten intolerant you can get 100% gluten free oat cakes), and theyre really light and lovely, and a good source of protien. Theyre also easy to have with anything - almond butter, cheese, or whatever you'd normally have on a sandwich. 

I like to make my own hummus, but today I used shop-bought Tesco hummus which is grand if youre having it with something else but is a little bland by itself. I topped it with finely chopped onions and tomatoes, a sprinkle of fresh corriander, and corriander's best friend, lemon juice. You could also add sliced avocado.

I love lemon juice and use it as a seasoning all the time. Lemons are antibacterial, antiviral, and lemon juice is a digestive aid and liver cleanser. Theyre full of Vitamin C and potassium too. If youre into aromatherapy, lemon is uplifting and anti-depressant.  I squeeze a generous amount of lemon juice on top of each oat cake, sprinkle with black pepper and wolf them down.

I make them individually as I go, which means youre taking a break in between each oat cake and this helps you eat more slowly, aiding digestion and helping you realise when youre full.

That's it! Hope you enjoy oatcakes as much as I do! If you have any other recipes for oatcakes, let me know!

My beautiful Grandmother

My grandmother Teresa passed away yesterday, the 15th January and my heart is broken. She has been sick for a long time, and was in a hospice in Cavan. I went to visit her there several times and each time I left with a heavier heart. She was an incredibly kind, non-judgemental, gentle, loving and caring person - who adored her family. She had a tough life, losing a son - my father - tragically and at a very young age. He never left her thoughts, and even the mention of Ray and her eyes would well up and redden - and seeing her eyes my own would fill automatically. She kept him close to her and to all of us in her fierce love and grief for him, and for that I am truly grateful to her.

She was an incredibly gifted woman in so many ways - but, crucially, and this is why I'm writing this here - in a blog about diet - she was an amazing cook. She owned a restaurant - Cassidy's on Bridge St in Cavan - for many years. But even after the restaurant closed its doors, she always had food to offer when you arrived and made the most incredible soups, breads, stews and the best cup of tea you'll ever taste. And a few biscuits. Or feck the tea, have a Canadian Club. She loved making food for her family, and as a child I often remember my Dad bringing me there for lunch where she would have amazing soup and the softest, butteriest sandwiches - cut into triangles (why are sandwiches always better cut into triangles?!)

One tradition which sadly ended last year when her health failed, was every Christmas morning, all her children and grandchildren who lived nearby would arrive for mulled wine and "Nana's magic cheese dip". Her mulled wine was a warming, cinnamoney-nutmegy inside-hug. But her cheese dip was incredible. We all lashed it on cracker after cracker, to cries from parental types that we'd ruin our lunch (but even they all knew this was the highlight of our food day). She would emerge from the kitchen with another batch as we'd be stepping over each other for more. There were always more crackers and more cheese stashed away. I would say she had to have spent a day making the volumes we would consume on Christmas morning.
Like smells, food and memory are inextricably linked. And I will always remember my grandmother every time I smell her perfume, or drink mulled wine, or eat my sandwiches cut into triangles, or smell a rose (she lovingly tended her beautiful rose garden, spending hours carefully pruning and caring for them).

But I will never be able to make "Nana's magic cheese dip" without being transported to her house on Christmas morning, full of shouting and laughter and the endless passing of more crackers around the room.
In memory of my wonderful Nana who I loved to the moon and stars, I thought I'd share her recipe with you. This is not healthy and will make you fat. But it will make you happy. And what the fuck else matters in life anyway?
(On a related, food and body issues note, when my Nana was dying in the hospice she got incredibly thin and frail. We were talking to her about it and her and my mother joked about how much she used to worry about her weight and watch what she ate. It really, really hits home when you see someone at the end of their life, weighing no more than a sparrow, reflecting on how they used to berate themselves about their body. Life is short.)

Nana's magical cheese dip

Ingredients
1 x medium tub Philadelphia cheese
1 x block of strong, mature Irish red cheddar
2-3 x cloves of garlic
50-100mls of fresh single cream
salt to taste

Put the Philadelphia in a large bowl and grate in the block of cheese, stopping every so often to combine. Add 2-3 crushed cloves of garlic (you may like to add more). Add enough cream until its at the spreadable consistency of soft butter. Taste. You might like to add more cream or garlic. Add salt if needed.

Spread on crackers or crusty bread. Enjoy with a Canadian Club (my Nana's favourite) or a mulled wine/good strong red. And if you think of it, raise a glass to Teresa O'Connor - a wonderful woman and my grandmother, who I will miss forever.

Snacks - Salsa that you will absolutely smear all over your naked body and roll around

Snacking is an inevitable part of first-world problem dieting/watching your weight. Most offices have a snacking hierarchy which goes something like this:
- The advanced snacker - this creature supplies an endless and bottomless chocolate/cake/treat stash to "share" with the office under the guise of being a superawesometeamplayer. This will be piled high in a communal area which is perpetually in every employees line of sight.  These snacks are for the sole purpose of disguising the advanced snackers own snacking habits which are off the charts
- The capitulator - this person will make a bee-line for the snack stash on a thrice daily basis, and speaking directly to the snacks, will usually say "oh go on then! GOD!"
- The resistor - this long-suffering creature will hover over the snacks about 7-10 times per day, dancing as if needing to urinate and saying "oh I cant, I really better not. I'm on a diet. I really better not. I can't afford it". They will give in at a ration of 1:1.5 visits (this is my category - note the resistor eats more snacks than the capitulator)
- The saint - this insufferable person will consistently avoid the snack table but will never do so silently - it'll only ever be with a flourish of "I'm not eating dairy right now" or "no, none for me as usual!" or "I'm not undoing my 5 hours in the gym before 7am for a silly chocolate!"

In order to resist the dreaded snack table, I tend to endeavour to keep myself at a perpetual state of fullness to the point of vomiting. Well maybe not quite. But if you want to avoid the chocolate and crap in work and are trying to watch what you eat, a great way to do it is to find a healthy snack which you can indulge in on a massive scale with no repercussions. AND I FOUND ONE THAT IS EPIC.

This motherfucking salsa. My dear lord, its nectar of the Gods themselves, sweet ambrosia. I could drink this by the pint. And there is not one ingredient in this salsa that isn't 100%  super healthy - its basically a salad (but healthier). And you will want to smear it on your naked body. I promise you. If you make it for people they also may start smearing themselves with it, so fair thee warned - choose your victims wisely.

We found this recipe on a brilliant website called bland is boring, and adapted it only slightly. Chef Ali Hassan says "its like meringue in your mouth". He's not wrong. Here's the recipe:

• 1 large ripe tomato

• 1/4 of a medium-sized onion (I sometimes use more)

• 1 garlic clove

• juice of 1/2 lime

• 1/2 pickled jalapeno, plus 1 tsp of pickling juice from the jar (DONT Leave this out. It sounds gross but its not)

• 1/4 cup of fresh coriander, washed well

• 1/2 tsp coarse salt, or to taste

Now fire all those things into a blender and pulse until its as smooth or chunky as you like.

Here's what you can do with this salsa aside from smearing it on your naked body:
- Dip oat cakes / crackers in it
- use it as salad dressing
- Have it as a topping on oat cakes with hummus (this is to DIE for)
- Roast some sweet potato slices with garlic and chili the night before, bring them to work and basically have chips and salsa all day (guilt free). You can roast other types of veg as well
- Dip carrot or celery sticks in it

It looks like this but don't be fooled by its not-so-sexy exterior:

You can also have it with mexican food, indian food, add it to soup, or basically smear it all over yourself. SOMEONE will definitely want to lick it off.
PS - if you dont own a blender, go out and buy one immediately. You can get little blenders in argos for a few quid that will do the job. Theyre cheap and you'll use it loads.

Update on my diet:
Last night I had incredible fajitas with that salsa and guacamole which were epic. I had a green drink for breakfast, a small bowl of porridge with flax seeds for breakfast, homemade lentil and veg soup for lunch. I cycled to work again. Tomorrow I'll be posting about my first aerial hoop class with an incredibly talented athlete Lisette.

I don't feel like crap and am finding staying away from shit food really really easy at the moment. The trick is to spoil yourself with amazing healthy food that you can eat a ton of...
I'm still wearing a circus tent to work. I put on a skirt this morning and looked like I was about 7 months pregnant. Sometimes I'm torn between just accepting my body the way it is and trying to improve it, or using my unhappiness and horror at what it's like now as a motivator. I'm currently doing the latter but its quite tiring... I probably have to go a bit easier on myself.
Anyway - MAKE THIS SALSA NOW. Thanks for reading x

Breakfast... or How I Learned To Ditch The Pop Tarts And Love The Gruel

Breakfast is a bit of a bitch. All I ever want, ever, is sugar. This is the direct result of decades of coco pops and frosties and remember that cereal from the 1980s omg and pop tart consumption from my childhood sweet tooth to my many years as a stoner and subsisting on chocolate pop tarts.

Did I mention I love pop tarts? Because I do. OH GOD. I love them when they're slightly burnt. And their lava-filled centre that numbs your tongue and renders the whole thing a tasteless congealed mass of sticky goo...... Have you actually seen the flavours in Candy Lab!?! Just no.

Anyway. God I can digress when it comes to pop tarts. 

So when I became a mature adult and finally began subsisting on actual food - i.e. food with only one or two ingredients, food that would not survive a nuclear incident - I had to address my breakfasting habits. Breakfast is the one meal of the day where I'm generally very good. Weekends of late since I caved into the 'fat', have consisted of my made-up 'reeces pancakes' (peanut butter and nutella) or scones with cream and jam or a delicious pastry... but generally speaking my breakfasts are good.

I generally tend to be ravenous in the morning so I need something that is filling and healthy. There is so much conflicting information out there on carb loading, protien only, only fruit before noon crap. I just alternate and find that works for me. A typical breakfast will be either porridge, a green drink (I'll be posting separately about these later) or fruit and a plain yoghurt. 

Here's the thing. Porridge is amazing. No it is, really. My friend Aine posted recently that she hated the consistency. If youre the same, Ready Brek is also amazing, and is just a finer milled oat. Here are some reasons to love porridge:

1. Oats are anti-anxiety, have a calming effect and curb cravings. If youre looking for a great alternative to rescue remedy if you have mild anxiety, try Avena Sativa (Oat tincture) drops as a nervous system support. 

2. Oats are low-GI, slow energy release so you feel full until lunch.

3. Oats are packed with health benefits

4. You can mix and match your porridge - making it with water and a pinch of salt, milk, sweet, fruity, savory or any other number of ways. 

Here's how I had mine this morning: I use Flahavans instant oats and whack them in the microwave with almond milk, and afterwards add 1 x tbsp of maple syrup and a pinch of cinnamon. Maple syrup has got quite a bit of calories so go easy... but its very natural and full of B vitamins which, again, are a great nervous system support.

Some other ways to try the gruel:

- With a spoonful of almond butter

- With a spoon of greek yoghurt and berries

- Alternate your sweetener with agave syrup or stevia

- With honey and stem ginger

Anywho. Its not quite a poptart but I heart porridge now. Its comforting, maple syrup and cinnamon sweetens it (not quite to teeth rotting pop tart levels) and it keeps you from munching on everything in sight.

GOOOOOOOOOOOO porridge. For those of you that are concerned with such matters, its 140 calories for porridge with almond milk and 1 tbsp of maple syrup is approx 45 cals.

Update on my "diet" - I woke up this morning and put on a circus tent (all that would fit me). I cycled 10k to work and almost died from frost bite and fright having not cycled anywhere since December 22nd. I had leftover potato curry for lunch and wanted loads more. I'm drinking lemon water instead of tea. I may sleep at my desk. My other half is making veggie fajitas for dinner with quorn, avocado, fresh corriander, onion and tomato salsa... and I'm going to hold the cheese and sour cream on mine. I'll cycle home from work and I'm going to do some home exercises when I get back. I'll have to work late tonight for a bit but am planning not to reward myself for being so fantastic and amazing and conscientious with food. 

Wish me luck!

(POPTART)

A probably far too honest blog post about my body...

So its January, and everyone and their mother is trying to desperately shed the winter blubber... the endless cream and mince pies and rum and port and "just one more" of Christmas. I'm not the only one, I know this. I'm just back from a week in the sun and had an extended Christmas indulgence period. I decided to start a blog about my journey because I wanted to be incredibly honest about it. A lot of 'get healthy' blogs end up either a dumping ground for people getting their cravings off their chests and complaining about the shit they have to eat in order to get skinny, or evangelical food faddists or fitness junkies who are entirely unrelatable. And when you are sitting, blob-fish like on the couch, a tanned, beautiful, ripped Goddess body just seems pretty fucking unattainable. Believe me, I have spent my days endlessly trawling through websites and blogs and weight loss tips and fitness advice... and I used to follow it pretty religiously.

Everyone has an excuse. Mine is that I tore my achilles tendon and basically had to sit for almost 4 months. I fell out of the habit of exercise. I ate and drank to while away the endless evenings sitting on the couch with my leg up. I became pretty depressed. I piled on the weight.

I have been a burlesque performer for 5 years, and its a fabulous, body-positive thing to do - for the most part. Most of the world of burlesque is incredibly welcoming of women of all shapes and sizes, which is what attracted me to it. But - and its a big but (excuse the pun) - even at my skinniest, I had people gush over my curves and real-woman body and wasnt I amazing to be representing 'normal' women and curvy girls. This was when I was surviving on approx. 1 kale leaf per day and living in the gym. Sparkling water? No thanks, can't afford the calories. This was when I was tiny. Over the years I loosened up my type-A behaviour around food and exercise. Getting a dog was a big part of that - I couldnt spend all night in the gym and leave my other half to do all the work. And so I got a little less lean and a little doughier. And that was fine, I was a nice size, had boobs and a bum and wasnt hideous in clothes. Not much more you can ask for.

My problem isnt with weight in general and I am not a size nazi at all. I do not prefer to be skin and bone. I would never want to be like that. I think girls with all size bodies are beautiful. Burlesque was a wonderful place where you could see all kinds of bodies being celebrated and one of the most brilliant things about burlesque is the gorgeousness of all shapes and sizes of women.

My problem is my this: my body does not like being any larger than my normal size. I do not become a voluptuous, wanton curve-goddess. I do not become a rounder, sexier verssion of myself. I do not miraculously look like Nigella or Dirty Martini (holy momma). I look at girls who are considered plus size and would step over my own mother for their bodies. My body rebels in the most ludicrous of proportion-crushing ways.

Once I go one stone over where I normally am, the following things happen:
- I get a HUGE double chin - a horrible, jowly affair where I look in the mirror and see nothing else. At my normal weight this does not exist. But after 5 chips and a bottle of red wine, there she blows. My face becomes rotund like the surface of the moon... as if someone has stuck a bicycle pump in my ear and went to town.... any semblance of cheekbones disappear and have to be painted on....
- . 99% of the weight appears on my stomach. I dont get a rounder arse or fuller breasts (well I do a bit by law of overall body mass increase) It is impossible to find any clothes that arent a mumu which do anything to disguise this. The rest of my body remains in proportion - by stomach becomes its own Michelin man or Stay Puft marshmallow man.

This is the horrible part. In the past few months I have had serious social anxiety about how I look. Ive been scared to go out sometimes. I've more or less stopped performing because I'm ashamed of my body, and Im ashamed to be writing that Im ashamed of my body and Im ashamed that this shame makes me a bad feminist. And it's a big icky messy feedback loop of shame where I end it by lie on the couch and eat cheese puffs and cadburys marvellous creations.

I really want to get back to my normal size. I'm not going to blog about sizes, or inches, or anything like that. Every girl has got her perfect size. For the naturally rail-thin its one size, for the more generous figured its another. Its the size you look and feel best at. Its the size where people say 'you look well!'. I want to get back to my 'I look well size'. I will not be number crunching here. I might say: Ive lost a few inches, or my clothes are fitting again (please baby Jesus let my clothes fit again! I have an Alexander McQueen top I bought for €45 in a charity shop that I have not yet been able to wear... this is my goal top!)

This blog will be about my journey to my normal, 'nice', 'just right' or 'good enough, fuck it I'm having a wheel of cheese' - size. Im going to blog about what I eat, how I'm feeling, new exercise and fitness regimes I'll be following, classes I'm taking and generally if any of it is working. Sometimes I'll fail and sit on the couch and eat cheese puffs and cadburys marvellous creations. But not all the time. And I think positive action, even some of the time, will make me feel a lot better.

POSTSCRIPT: BEFORE HITTING PUBLISH I WORRIED EVERYONE WOULD JUDGE ME AND THEN ATE SOME LEFTOVER POTATO CURRY. I'm probably just going to have to take the plunge.