This salad is my life

Chop: red onion, tomato, avocado, chilli, garlic

Shred: spinach and flat leaf parsley

Process: 6-7 florets of broccoli until the texture of cous cous

Add: puy lentils, chickpeas, cayenne pepper and cumin

Dress: with udos oil and the juice of one lemon, lots of pepper and  a pinch of salt

Mix and eat. 

YUM.

Taco salad and bikinis

I'm going on holidays on Sunday - and I think I might bring a bikini. The thing is, I'm in my early 30s and I still have never worn a bikini. In my whole life. Primarily this is because I never went on a sun holiday until I travelled around Oz, and by the time I got to the good weather (I arrived in Perth in winter, which is a slightly less shitty Galway-in-spring-style weather) I had already consumed VAST VAST quantities of boxed wine and stubbies. I was in NO shape for a bikini. My first ever proper sun holiday I had the fear so no bikini was packed. My last sun holiday was January, and I was MAHOOSIVE and honestly, could not fit into my one piece let alone a bikini.

Now I must be realistic here. I'm still in no shape to be in a bikini. I am not ripped. I have not got a flat stomach. I have rolls and flab and squishiness that I know will be highly unflattering. But the fuck-off-fairy is here, and I've decided to bite the bullet and buy one. I need to fulfil this life long ambition. Ive worked my arse off and eaten clean since January. I'm rewarding myself with not giving a fuck and wearing a motherfucking bikini.

In terms of my itsy bitsy VERY EFFING SLOW progress, Ive been consistently working out with my trainer and at home, and doing a butt-load of yoga every single day which I'm loving. My friend Claire teacher hot yoga in a new studio in Stoneybatter and Ive been popping along there to sweat it out. I'm nearing my goal weight which is fantastic, but even so, my goal feels kinda miles away. But while I'm on this path and Ive gotten almost to where I want to be, I may as well keep going. I have new goals too now: to be able to do 5 x pull ups, to get to 25 push ups in one go, to learn to bench some serious weight, to get a little bit ripped. Now that I'm this far along the path of getting strong, I'd love to see how far I can push myself and what I can achieve. BEASTMODE.

In other news I made a faboosh taco salad last night and thought I'd share the recipe with you.

Taco mix:
1 tin refried beans or red kidney beans
1 bag quorn mince
1 onion
1 pepper
1/2 tin sweetcorn
1 tbsp cumin
1 tbsp coriander
1 tbsp paprika
1/2 tbsp cayenne pepper
1 red chilli or 1/2 tbsp chilli powder
1 tbsp hot sauce
1-2 tbsp tomato paste
4-5 cloves garlic (reduce according to your taste!)
Lime juice x 1 lime
Fresh coriander
Sweet potato (with paprika, garlic, lime juice and olive oil to serve)
Sliced avocado
Low fat yoghurt

1. Fry the onions, add the garlic, peppers and sweetcorn and fry until soft
2. Add the quorn mince and fry for 2-3 mins
3. Add the rest of the ingredients, stirring all the time, and add 1/2 cup water
4. Simmer for 20-30 mins. While simmering, slice sweet potatoes into chips. Take 1/2 the chips and slice them into strips (like in a taco salad). Pop them in a bowl and add 1 tbsp paprika, minced garlic or garlic powder, and olive oil. Mix them up and bake in a hot oven for 10-15 mins, turning mid-way. Add lime juice 2-3 mins before theyre done.
5. Add fresh lime juice and fresh coriander to the taco mix, and serve with the sweet potato strips on top, chips on the side, some yoghurt and sliced avocado. Oh and some salsa. YOM.

Cauliflower rice is actually amazing - THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

For the last few months I've been (in the evenings) carb and (all the time except for cheats) dairy free, which meant I've been relying a lot on curries and other Asian dishes which normally have rice with them. There is something so satisfying about rice despite how utterly bland it is. I have been desperate for a no-carb alternative to rice, and kissed a few mealy, wormy, disgusting rice substitute frogs along the way. Then I discovered cauliflower rice.
HOLY. FUCKING. SHIT. 

First of all, unlike rice which is a big fat empty carby will turn to sugar nothing food, cauliflower is VERY good for you. After citrus fruits, cauliflower is your next best natural source of vitamin C. It's massively anti-inflammatory. Cauliflower is also packed with fibre, folic acid, and potassium contents. Cauliflower is like winning the antioxidant and phytonutrient lottery. Some studies have shown it to be cancer-fighting. Its an all-round good guy.

So here's how to make cauliflower rice. Step 1: put a head of cauliflower into a food processor and whizz. Step 2: put into microwavable dish and steam in the microwave for 7 minutes. Step 3: Add anything you like. Thats it. It is so ridiculously simple. I added salt, pepper, Udo's oil and lemon juice. My OH suggested pilau rice mix would be nice to add to it as well, which I'll try when we're eating Indian food next! You can fry it too if you're feeling saucy. And if you're feeling VEE saucy, throw a load of sharp cheddar on top of it and pop it in the oven OHGOD.

I'm incorporating cauliflower into my diet more by having cauliflower rice, and I'm going to try this recipe as a side, this recipe next because it looks decadent and amazing (but probably a cheat night meal...) and this recipe sans the lamb because OMGYOM.

I thought I'd share the recipe for a super simple dish I had last night and has been a regular staple in our meal rotation for years. I adapted the recipe from one on BBC by Bill Granger, the smug, self satisfied, Aussie c**t. That guy and his aryan children and perfect Sydney middle class life can go to hell.

Could you get any more smug Bill Granger with your perfect kitchen.

I'll share what I used to have with it before I was going carb-less too - pitta chips. They're LOVELY. My OH made a tzatziki to go with this which was gorgeous!

Chickpea and tomato chilli

Ingredients

• 2 tbsp coconut oil
• 1 red onion, finely sliced
• 3 garlic cloves, finely sliced
• 2 teaspoons freshly grated ginger - or use Garlic and Ginger paste from the Asian supermarket - an amazing time saver!
• 1 or 2 green chillies, to taste, seeded and finely chopped
• 1 tsp sea salt
• 2 X 400g/14oz tins of chickpeas, drained
• 80ml/2¾fl oz water
• 1 tsp cumin / 1 tsp corriander / 1 tsp cayenne pepper
• 1 tsp turmeric
• freshly ground black pepper
• 500g/17½oz cherry tomatoes
• 2 tbsp tomato paste or puree 
• 100g/3½oz baby English spinach leaves

To serve

• plain yoghurt or tzatziki
• pitta bread
• olive oil
• salt and freshly ground black pepper
• paprika - LOADS
• Cauliflower rice

Preparation method

1. Heat a large deep frying pan over a medium to high heat.
2. Add the oil, onion, garlic, ginger, chillies and salt and cook for five minutes (or until the onions are soft) being careful to stir regularly.
3. Add the chickpeas, 80ml/2¾fl oz water, cumin, turmeric and pepper and cook for five minutes or until the water evaporates.
4. Add the tomatoes and tomato puree and cook for another ten-fifteen minutes to soften, adding more water if it dries out.
5. Remove from the heat and check for seasoning.
6. Stir through the spinach and top with yoghurt/tzatziki.
7. To make the pitta crisps, cut the pitta bread into triangley bits and drizzle with olive oil, salt, pepper and paprika.
8. Bake in a moderate oven for 10-12 minutes or until crisp.

Aside from my new love affair with cauliflower, all else is going ok. My journey towards having a flat stomach (the ultimate goal!!!) is slow and plodding. I'm impatient and my resolve gets tested. But every day I show up to the mat. I push a bit harder than the day before. I add a little more movement into my day. I try new exercises and things to do to keep active. I exercise for at least 1-2 hours per day. I strictly eat according to my diet except for 2 cheat meals per week which I am LIVING FOR HUNTY. 

Sometimes I find the impatience is overwhelming and I feel like I'm not getting anywhere, so my trainer Chris told me to take progress photos (this was after a nasty bout of PMS and a run-in with a scales). Progress photos are ugly pictures you take of yourself in your knickers in front of a mirror so you can see, like PHYSICALLY SEE, the changes to your body over time. This has been helpful because when I think nothing is happening and life is a mess and I may as well have a wheel of cheese, I look back to the first photo I took and realise that I have changed. And slowly, slowly catchy monkey. And all that noise. (now fast forward to skinny plz.)

My diet and workout regime... all work and no play makes me something something...

A few people were asking me to post my current diet and workout regime so this might be a bit of a boring post unless you are on a health kick as well. My biggest vices are delicious white carbs and red wine. I havent given up wine altogether but I'm drinking sweet FA at the moment. Refer to my previous post about my scumbag brain that I have to trick into thinking that I'm not giving up anything... so I tend to have really small amounts of both (barely worth having!) just so it doesnt kick up a stink about feeling deprived and then go on a binge.

I had to keep a food diary for my trainer so he can review where I am at right now, so I thought I could share it with you. I'm working pretty hard physically at the moment so a little treat on my 'cheat meals' is fine, but otherwise, my diet looks like this:

Breakfast: Green blended drink (kale, spinach, apple, lemon, hemp protein, chai seeds, cucumber, celery)
10 am: Porridge with almond butter, almond milk and maple syrup or green scrambled eggs (eggs with hemp protein powder) and roasted tomatoes or poached egg on spelt toast
Lunch: Large salad with carrot, brocoli, tuna, tomato, hazelnuts or leftovers from dinner the night before (small amount of carbs here usually)
6pm: Coconut milk and whey protein powder shake
Dinner: Yesterday was falafel with tabouleh, tonight is a light yellow curry with no potato and no rice

I'm on less than 10% carbs at the moment, probably more like 5%. I'm off dairy at the moment too which is not really a problem as I was vegan for years so would eat a largely vegan diet normally anyway. When I have a cheat meal, all I want is ONE GIANT CARB. I had Indian the other night and has a giant masala dosa, which is a potato curry pancake. Practically a carb inside a carb. COVERED in yoghurt. I was in heaven. My other cheat meals usually HAVE to involve cheese. OMGCHEESE.

In terms of working out, I'm doing a mix of low intensity duration cardio and HIIT.

I cycle for over 1 hour a day, I power walk the dogs for 30 mins - 1hr. I have been doing 20-30 mins HIIT with either Zuzka Lite or Jillian Michaels using her 30 day shred programme which is HARD AS HELL! Jillian is a power lesbian who screams at you, I happen to quite enjoy this...

Then in the evening I have usually a 30 min weight protocol (I'm on a three day split at the moment meaning I do a different workout every day for three days and then start at workout one again on day four). I do this six days per week.

I cool down with 20 mins yoga. Ive been occasionally going to hot yoga classes when I have time, and doing Bellydance classes for 2 hours per week as an extra.

When I get to my goal weight and I'm just in maintenance mode, I'll be able to increase carbs and re-introduce dairy. I'll probably be able to reduce the intensity of the workouts as well - probably doing HIIT 3 days a week instead of 4-5, etc. I cant wait!

I've got quite a way to go from here, at the moment I'm desperately trying to trust the process, keep my chin up, and work hard. I've lost 5 inches from my hips and waist so I'm pretty happy that I am progressing and it is actually working, even though lots of days I just feel like flinging myself on the ground and going to sleep.

Because I clearly hate myself and want myself to be in pain (I'm blaming Jillian Michaels) I really want to run Hell and Back this summer - if anyone has read this far I'm assuming you have some level of interest in fitness and might be up for doing it with me? I'll definitely need a companion... to dig me out of the mud when I go for a nap... face down.....

Hot m%+¿~¥f%'€¥¢ing yoga

It began with my very lovely and fabulous friend Claire saying casually to me that she was teaching at a yoga studio in Dublin, and was taking a yoga class herself there the next day, and would I like to come along. I jumped at the chance of joining a class where I knew and trusted the teacher, and so I bounded along like a springtime bunny to meet her after work. I started yoga 14 years ago - FOURTEEN. Man I'm old. The first ever yoga class I took was with a fabulous South African guru-style teacher who lived on a planet of his own and was a friend of mine at the time. Myself and my cousin Shane went along to his class and spent most of it pissing ourselves laughing at his banter which was largely focussed on how we can all abandon psychadelics because yoga was going to bring us to such crazy places in our minds, man. He was off the hook hilarious. We'd all go for a feed of pints afterwards (this ended up being the main attraction of yoga - the pints after). I practiced daily even after our guru moved away (He's now teaching T'ai Chi in Thailand and, I'd bet, eating mushies for breakfast), and kept up the practice on and off since then. I always come back to yoga, its my happy place. I started out in Ashtanga, a vigorous form of yoga that is pretty challenging compared to some of the more chilled out, meditative forms. For me, I dont really want to ever sit and watch my breath - it doesnt suit me. I wrestled with meditation my whole life and I just cant do it. But I can when I'm doing yoga. I distract myself from myself, which after many years reading many spiritual books and meditation guides, is the very essence of meditation in a nutshell. I tried a few other forms but today, I was about to attend a Bikram studio for the first time. The class was a Vinyassa flow which is the toughest workout you can get in yoga - but in a hot room like Bikram (40 degrees Celsius). As I had so much experience in yoga, I thought I'd be grand. HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

I arrived and rented a towel and a mat, already in my yoga gear having changed before leaving work. (This is an important detail). Claire set up my mat behind her and I followed her tentatively into the studio. The first thing that hits you is the wall of heat. Its like when you step out of a plane to a tropical climate - the air is thick and stifling and wet. I sat on my mat and eyeballed the door. There were approx 3 rows of mats between me and the door. People would notice if I tried to escape. The class was going to be 90 mins long, I had been in the room approx 3 minutes and I thought I might puke from the heat. I had no fucking clue how I was going to last and started to predict what would happen. I'mgoingtofaint. I'mgoingtovomit. I'mgoingtorunoutoftheroomscreaming. Clairewillneverbeallowedteachinthistownagainanditwillbemyfault.Panic was setting in. I dont do well in the heat, I told myself. Why am I here. Oh God.

A stunning, lithe woman took her place at the front of the class and greeted us. She said hi to the couple of newbies in particular (there were about 3). There were about 30 people at the class. I stood at the top of my mat and willed myself not to fall over, as she had just outed me as a newbie. And it began - no messing around, no warming up, just straight in there. Suddenly I was upside down. My vision started getting weird. Time began to expand and contract wildly. It all went a bit fear and loathing as I wondered 'how long have I been here? will this ever end?'. The teacher paced through the moves quickly - with no rest and no bullshit. I began to sweat.

I dont tend to sweat that much. Even with mega-cardio, I'll get a little bit sweaty if I'm killing it - but rarely. I'm a very un-sweaty person. This is genuinely the most I have ever sweated in my life. At one point the teacher said "this isnt going to last forever". I did not believe her.

About half way through the class, something completely fucked up happened. I was wrestling with myself the entire time wondering if I was going to die, panicking about needing water, trying not to pass out, sweating. Then, it happened. I was in downward dog, with a RIVER of sweat ACTUALLY FLOWING OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD. I have never seen this much sweat coming from anyone. And it hit me. I'm doing it. I thought I couldnt. I was afraid I would die. I was terrified. But I did it anyway. And now... I think... I was enjoying it! I sweated and pushed my was through the rest of the class, inelegantly twisting and contorting (as opposed to my friend Claire who is a true yogi, glistening gently and pretzeling into the most unimaginable positions (with a smile)... The class came to a close and I was SATURATED... like I'd been caught in a monsoon. My hair was stuck to my face, my clothes were drenched. I lay down on the mat and realised I had nothing with me to change into. Fuck. I stuck with the last few moments of breathing and the teacher opened the door. The breeze was 9 million kittens licking my face with their little sandpapery tongues. I was in heaven. I felt really proud that I hadnt panicked and ran away. Not only that - I was feeling amazing - light, refreshed, in a great mood - and ready for the next class. I was IN my body for the first time in a long time, and it felt incredible.

Next time I opted for a Bikram class and I enjoyed it a lot too - it was a lot less intense and in fact I think I enjoyed the intensity of the previous class. Bikram is more a test of endurance in the poses - you have to stick them out - whereas Vinyassa is more focussed on moving through the poses. I felt the teacher was a little less sympathetic in that class - she pointed me out a couple of times for not going fully enough into the poses despite me gesturing to her (in front of about 30 people) that I had an Achilles injury which stops me sometimes from going too deep into the poses or doing one leg poses as fully or for as long as I'd like. That was kind of off-putting and embarrassing - think they need to work on calling people out in class - but aside from that the workout itself was fantastic.

I've been 3 times and am definitely going again this week, for hot vinyassa flow this time. I cant recommend hot yoga enough if you really want to push yourself, if only for the absolute buzz you get afterwards... but just remember to bring a change of clothes......

http://www.inityoga.ie/

Charity shop delusions and pushups

I love charity shops. I find them endlessly therapeutic. Normal stores have an edge to them - a loud, gritty, in your face, hurryupandbuy edge. The banging tunes. The flourescent lights.

The speed at which I see women fly from rail to rail, scanning like a terminator for the perfect jeans. I always feel a little inadequate, flushed, rushed and spent after a half hour in River Island.

But charity shops are full of old ladies and crusties.

There is something soothing about meandering around a musty store full of old ladies. The lights are normal. There is no music. There are rails and rails of crap. Mostly crap. And then, you stumble on a beacon of light, glinting at you from the middle of a rail of 'Atmosphere' ball-ey cardigans and stretched out jumpers with boob humps built in from the last (well endowed) owner. A gem of designer loveliness. This is akin to winning the charity shop lottery. You work hard for it. You search endlessly. And then - there it is. The McQueen top (€45 in Lucy loves Frances). The Rocha dress and the Burberry skirt (€3 in Siopa Eiles charity fundraiser). The Moschino jeans (€10 in Debra on Aungier St). The DVF wrap dress (€5 in Women's Aid). HALLELUJAH. Jesus is real. Suddenly your prayers are answered. And then it washes over you, like a warm haze of the draw of a pure grass spliff. The charity shop delusion.  And we live in a utopian future where size does not exist. I have a large range of designer charity shop buys in size 6-16. I'll lose the weight. I'll get it taken in. I'll CHANGE. I CAN CHANGE FOR THIS ITEM OF CLOTHING. THIS WILL BECOME MY REASON FOR LIVING.

I had a pretty bad case of the charity shop delusion when I bought the Moschino jeans. These cost anything up to €400-500 to buy new. This is basically like being handed €500 (I explain to my OH... his eyes glazing over).

They are too small. I buy them. I dont try them on till I get home. When I do, they barely button. Mounds of fat spill over in a muffin top extravaganza. They sit in my wardrobe. The delusion begins to drain away.

This morning, I was feeling adventurous and decided I needed to ditch the circus tents. I reached into my wardrobe and the first thing I put my hand to are the Moschino jeans. I try them on.

THEY FIT.
I practically freak out. I barge into the bathroom where OH is in the shower and dance about in my jeans. He is happy for me... but clearly wants me (and now the two dogs who are also dancing in the bathroom) to let him finish his shower.

This is a happy day.

In other news... I can do a push up. Actually, I can do 40 push ups. I could probably do 50. I did 40 push ups last night at training with my trainer and buddy Chris. The first night I went to his place to train he asked me to do a push up. I obviously couldnt. He asked me to do a modified (girl) push up. I tried one. I barely made it through. I cannot believe how much stronger Ive gotten in only 2 short months of training. One amazing part of training with Chris is he coaches you through the mental block, which is really the main thing you need to break through. Doing a plank for 30 seconds sounded like the impossible. When I tried it, I failed at 20 seconds (giving 110%, or so I thought). Doing a plank with Chris, I did 45 seconds. I probably could have made it to a minute.

Now for those fitness bunnies this probably seems like the smallest victory in the world. But for me it is motivation beyond belief. Seeing real changes, breaking through mental barriers, and getting stronger is the greatest reward in the world.

Obviously that, and fitting into The Jeans.

Update and current training/diet routine and some tuna salad

My blog has been sporadic recently, because things have been pretty busy and Ive been trying to fit in a hectic work schedule around all the rest of the stuff I want to do, like have a life that isnt work and exercise. So I thought I'd post a little update on how things have been going on the whole fitness front and how things have changed, which is pretty dramatically.

Its hard to believe that only six short weeks ago I started out on this journey by texting my friend Chris who is now my trainer asking him to coach me, and saying "I honestly dont believe I can actually shed a single pound". Magical thinking gone bananas. I had lost so much faith in myself and my confidence was so through the floor, that seriously, without a hint of exaggeration, I did not believe that it was within the realms of possibility for me to change my body. CRAZY PERSON BEHAVIOUR.

I started out small - I changed my diet and I began to exercise. I began by doing 15-20 mins of strength training per day, 6 days per week as per my trainers programme. I also cycled to work every day. At first... nothing happened. The nothing that happened was HUGE. A giant ball of nothing happening steamrolled over my motivation every single day, leaving me flat and uninspired like a puddle of piss on a plate. But then something happened. I lost an inch. I measured my middle bit - the most vast of the Michelin man folds, and ONE INCH OF THEM WAS GONE. That is this much.

That is something. That is not nothing. The nothing that was happening turned into something. Something small, but something none the less. I got stronger and more motivated with every single change, however slight. Soon, another inch was gone, then another, then another. With every step I take towards another inch, I get more and more motivated.

This motivation has helped me to expand my routine so that every day I'm pushing myself harder than the last - and this expansion is, in turn, giving me more results. But you have to expand SLOWLY. Or Scumbag Brain will know something is up and decide its WAY too hard and there is no point, and sure isnt there a new episode of Ru Pauls Drag Race there that would go LOVELY with a bottle of Merlot and a slab of chocolate. I wrote a while back that fat is a ninja, that it creeps up on you and ends up all over you before you realise wtf is happening. Now, I am using this tactic back on fat. Im creeping up on it. SCUMBAG BRAIN DOESNT EVEN KNOW I'M HERE, whittling away bit by bit.
So I thought I'd share my current routine with you and then at the end, an awesome recipe for tuna salad.

My daily routine (6 days per week with 1 rest day, cardio only)

7am 20 mins fasted cardio using Zcut Power Cardio (this will actually KILL you, its incredibly intense, but quite addictive and over before you know it. She's got a YouTube Channel too if you wanted to check her stuff out before splurging on DVDs).
7.20am Yoga cool down
7.35am 30 min power walk with the dogs
8.05am 30 min cycle to work
6.30pm 30 min power walk with the dogs (only every second day)
7pm 20 minute main workout, currently focussed on core work, push ups, squats, kettlebells but the exercises change from week to week, so next week it could be a lot of legs or upper body.

I'm having 6 meals a day on average, 1-2 are protein shakes post workout. I havent been hungry in 100 years and I dont crave sweet shit anymore... when I do I just have a smoothie with some extra fruit or a banana and that usually works ok.

Oh fuck you, Scumbag Brain

However, even though I'm stockpiling protein, my body has been craving fish. Ive been a vegetarian for 20 years, with a brief falling off the wagon from 1997-2000 and hopping back on again after a mushroom-induced reminder as to why I dont want to eat animal flesh. Ive always been incredibly staunch about animal rights, and was vegan for a long time. I try to eat a primarily vegan diet, but recently have been eating eggs on the weekend, greek yoghurt and, astonishingly, fish. I started craving fish about 12 months ago, and gave into the craving about 6 months ago and boy does my body feel all the better for it. When I do have a craving for fish, I just listen to my body and give it some fucking fish. I had to wrestle a lot with my conscience to come to terms with that, but after a while I just needed what my body needed. I had a mad craving for tuna today, so I made this sexual tuna salad and put it in a toasted pitta. Its absolutely creamy a decadent and fantastic. 

Avocado Tuna Salad from Tablespoon

1 large avocado, pitted 
juice of 1/2 lemon
1 Tbsp greek yoghurt
1 medium can tuna
1/2 red onion, chopped finely1/2 celery stalks, chopped finely1 garlic clove, minced
1/4 tsp salt1/8 tsp pepper 

Mash the avocado in a bowl, then add the lemon and yoghurt, mix, then add all the other ingredients. Simples! It looks gross but it tastes amazing, so I didnt even bother taking a photo, but here's an image from the site. You could also have this as a dip on celery sticks if you dont want to have any carbs, or you could go full retard with a sandwich (SHOCKER). <3 Enjoy. X